FromThe Babylon Bee.

ST. PAUL, MN — Having purchased a standing mixer for his wife last month, local man Jared Simmons has found himself unable to escape a virtual blitzkrieg of standing mixer advertisements.

“It’s over, KitchenAid!” screamed Mr. Simmons, as Facebook unleashed seventeen more ads. “I already bought the dang CuisinArt!!”

After spending roughly forty-five seconds comparing ratings on Amazon, Mr. Simmons selected his wife’s birthday present one month ago to the day. “My life has been a nightmarish parade of cooking utensils ever since,” said Mr. Simmons. “I’m not buying another mixer for at least a decade, hopefully ever. It’s not a freaking banana, ok? Sure, show me more bananas. Maybe I’ll buy another bushel next week, when these are black and in my freezer for my wife to supposedly make banana bread with. But I’m NOT BUYING ANOTHER MIXER!”

At publishing time, Mr. Simmons had opened…